The saddest night in a long time has to fall on the night I can’t sleep; the night I can’t feel hazy. I had a coffee fucking thing this morning; fucks up my everything. I won’t sleep at all. I can just stay awake, stay miserable. I can’t focus on anything other than how low I feel. All night I could study for my test that’s tomorrow. Nope, fuck that, my mind can’t stand still, can’t comprehend. It only feels. Only one sensation. My host feels so bad.

The stiffness of my spin, I feel it. The extra race of my heart, I feel it. The throbbing of my stomach, I feel it. It all burns. I’m already pile of ash. One careless breezy and I scatter in all directions until I’m no longer noticed. Not even a problem. Just scat on the floor. 

How strange is it to not feel your toes. They are so numb. Not from a chill, not sure what from. But, they have no sense at all.

Contrast can equal in value yet oppose in topic. Desire of desire. Need to need. Age old tales of the young folks.

I need to feel calm. Typing rapid thoughts; calming. Remembering to fucking breath constantly; calming. Pacing the room calming. Lighting candles; calming. Lifting my arms into the air; calming. Feeling my own skin; calming. Knowing there is worse and better to come; calming. Understanding that nothing is permeant; calmed. 

Focus.